2023年成功申请哈佛大学优秀文书点评（五）

每年，在申请季结束后，机构都会搜集一些优质文书进行分享。今年我们又选取了一些被顶级名校录取的文书，供大家参考学习。

我们可以在这些文书中，感受到学生们对于生活的敏感，深刻的洞察力和有意思的古怪想法。

哈佛大学近日公布了2023年度10篇成功申请哈佛大学的文书并给出了点评。本次入选文书主题多样，文章风格各异，为各大准留学生提供了一个很好的参考。

今天我们来点评其中的第五篇文书！希望大家可以通过这篇文书的评析，领悟一些文书写作的技巧！

文书鉴赏

文书作者

Marina

哈佛大学

2023年度优秀文书

It's 8AM. Dew blankets the grass under my bare feet as my small hands grasp the metal of the backyard fence. I lift my heels, summoning enormous power in my tiny lungs as I blare out a daily wake-up call: ""GIRLS!"" Waiting with anticipation for those familiar faces to emerge from their homes, my mind bursts with ideas eager for exploration.

现在是早上8点。当我的小手抓住后院的金属栅栏时，露水覆盖了我赤脚下的草地。我抬起脚跟，在我小小的肺里召唤出巨大的力量，大声喊出每天的叫醒电话:“姑娘们!”期待着那些熟悉的面孔从他们的家中出现，我的脑海中迸发出渴望探索的想法。

Years later, at the corner of our yards, gates magically appeared; an open invitation connecting the backyards of four mismatched homes. The birth of the ""Four Corners"" inevitably developed into lifelong friendships and became the North Star in the lives of absolute strangers who have become family. As parents bonded at the gates, discussing everything from diapers to first dates, the kids took advantage of overlooked bedtimes and late night movies. Today, I launch into adulthood with the imagination, leadership, and confidence born from adolescent adventures.

多年以后，在我们院子的角落里，神奇地出现了一个开放的邀请把四个不匹配的家庭的后院连接在一起的大门。“四角”的诞生不可避免地发展成为一生的友谊，并成为生活中的北极星，再完全陌生的人已经成为家人。当父母在门口聚在一起，讨论从尿布到第一次约会的一切事情时，孩子们利用了被忽视的就寝时间和深夜电影。今天，我带着从青春期的冒险中获得的想象力、领导力和自信步入成年。

Behind corner #1 lived the Irish neighbors, where I embarked on a culinary exploration of corned beef and cabbage served during the annual St. Patty's celebrations. My taste buds awakened with the novelty of a peculiar dish that seemed to dismiss the health hazards of sodium chloride, an element that conjures up mental images of chemistry experiments. With U2 playing on the speaker, and parents enjoying a pint of Guinness, adolescents discussed inventions that could lead us to a pot of gold; from apps that would revolutionize the music industry, to building a keg cooler from a rubber trash can (and yes, we actually tried that). Endless playtime and conversations fueled the gene of curiosity which molded my creative thinking and imagination.

在1号角落的后面住着爱尔兰邻居，在那里我开始了一场烹饪探索，在每年的圣帕蒂庆祝活动中，咸牛肉和卷心菜都会出现。我的味蕾被一道奇特的菜唤醒了，它似乎消除了氯化钠对健康的危害，氯化钠是一种让人想起化学实验的元素。扬声器里放着U2乐队的音乐，父母们喝着一品脱健力士黑啤酒，青少年们讨论着能让我们赚大钱的发明；从彻底改变音乐产业的应用程序，到用橡胶垃圾桶制造酒桶冷却器(是的，我们确实尝试过)。无尽的玩耍和交谈激发了我的好奇心。这种好奇心塑造了我的创造性思维和想象力。

每年3月17日圣帕特里克节

是为了纪念爱尔兰守护神而设立的文化宗教节日▼

Behind corner #2, vibrant Italians cheered on the creation of zip lines and obstacle courses, which taught me a thing or two about Newton's Laws of Motion. Body aches from brutal stops provided lessons in physics that prompted modifications. This inventive spirit during backyard projects required testing, redesigning, and rebuilding. I wanted to conquer the yard and use every square inch of it. My swimming pool hosted ""Olympic Games"", where the makeshift springboard I built would have made Michael Phelps proud. I dove into projects, disregarding smashed fingers and small fires. Through persistence and sheer will, repeated failures became a source of progress for all to enjoy. These lessons served me well when diving into the Odyssey of the Mind Competitions.

在2号角落后面，活力四射的意大利人为高空滑索和障碍赛的诞生欢呼雀跃，这让我对牛顿运动定律有所了解。我还从野蛮停车造成的身体疼痛中学到了一些物理知识，并因此进行了改装。在后院项目中，这种创新精神需要测试、重新设计和重建。我想征服院子，充分利用每一寸土地。我的游泳池曾举办过 "奥林匹克运动会"，我搭建的临时跳板会让迈克尔-菲尔普斯引以为豪。我不顾砸伤手指和小火，一头扎进项目中。通过坚持不懈的努力和坚定的意志，屡次失败成为我取得进步的源泉。这些经验教训让我在进入智力竞赛的奥德赛时受益匪浅。

Corners #3 and #4, where Cuban roots run deep, entertained countless activities opening a world of learning and exploration. 1AM backyard stargazing encouraged my curiosity; the night sky like a blank slate, ready to be lit up with discovery. Through the eye of the telescope, I traced stars that were millions of miles away, yet filled my tent like fairy lights. Questions merged in a combinatorial explosion that only led to more questions. Could a black hole really cause spaghettification? Do the whispered echoes of dead stars give a clue to how old our universe truly is? Years later, at the FPL Energy, Power, and Sustainability Lab, conversations about smart grids, electric vehicles, and a possible colonization of the moon would take me back to that backyard camping, propelling my desire for exploration.

3号和4号角落是古巴人扎根的地方，这里有数不清的活动，像是开启了一个学习和探索的世界。凌晨1点在后院观星激发了我的好奇心。夜空就像一块白板，随时都能被发现点亮。透过天文望远镜的眼睛，我追寻着数百万英里之外的星星，但它们却像仙女点灯一样布满了我的帐篷。问题在组合爆炸中融合，而这只会引出更多的问题。黑洞真的会导致星体分裂吗？死亡恒星的低语回声是否为我们宇宙的真实年龄提供了线索？多年以后，在 FPL 能源、电力和可持续发展实验室，关于智能电网、电动汽车和可能的月球殖民地的谈话又把我带回了那次后院露营，激发了我的探索欲望。

In my little pocket of the world, I embrace the unexpected coincidence that struck 20 years ago, when four families collided at the same exact moment in space and time. My Four Corners family, with their steadfast presence and guidance, cultivated love, maturity, risk-taking, and teamwork. Through my adventures, I became a dreamer, an inventor, an innovator, and a leader. Now, fostering my love for learning, spirit of giving back, and drive for success, I seek new adventures. Just as I walked through the magical gates of my beloved Four Corners, I will now walk through transformational thresholds to continue on a journey that began as a girl, at a fence, with a heart full of hope and a head full of possibilities.

在我的小天地里，我拥抱着 20 年前的意外巧合，四个家庭在时空的同一时刻碰撞在一起。我的 "四角之家"，在他们坚定的陪伴和指导下，培养了爱、成熟、冒险精神和团队精神。通过冒险，我成为了梦想家、发明家、创新者和领导者。现在，我培养自己对学习的热爱、回馈社会的精神和追求成功的动力，寻求新的冒险。正如我穿过我所热爱的四角镇的神奇大门一样，我现在也将穿过变革的门槛，继续我的旅程。

文书评析

顾问点评：

以小见大的优秀申请文书

展现独特的自我与包容性

这篇文书的结构感很强。作者通过自己童年时“大院”里的四个邻居以及和他们的共同经历来展现自己身上的特质。

“总分总”的结构构思起来比较容易，值得我们借鉴：很适合经历相对比较散，想突出的特质又比较多的情况。（前提是有一条合适的线串联起来。比如这篇中提到的四户邻居，或者其它能够引入的“载体”：比如墙上挂着的照片、自己的纪念册等等。）

另外值得注意的是这篇文章并没有因为“散”就忽略了细节。每一段过去和邻居互动的经历都和后来作者的成长和特质有非常具体的关联（比如作者把通两个邻居一起观星时引发的一系列好奇和最近ta的一个实验室项目做了关联，让读者看到了ta对于探索未知世界的热情和来源）。

最后还有一个可以参考的点：招生官不只是想通过文书看到你未来的学术潜力，同样重要的是看你能否在校园里很好的和不同背景的人互动、融入这个充满多样性的社区。而这篇文章中作者展现出来的和不同背景的人之间的友好相处能让招生官看到ta是一个希望了解不同文化，包容多样性的人。

这点很重要，但往往会被忽视。

当你觉得自己的文书过于关注自我的时候，不妨也跳出来想一想，你的经历和别人有什么交集？或许会有新的角度。