达特茅斯录取优秀文书分享及点评

每年，在申请季结束后，机构都会搜集一些优质文书进行分享。今年我们又选取了一些被顶级名校录取的文书，供大家参考学习。

我们可以在这些文书中，感受到学生们对于生活的敏感，深刻的洞察力和有意思的古怪想法。

想知道名校到底青睐什么样的文书？下面就一起来看看被大学录取的学生的优质文书，来感受一下名校的文书标准吧。

达特茅斯文书分享

April 26, 2012 was my family’s 11th anniversary of stepping onto the land of dreams, America. That day my family decided to celebrate at one of our favorite restaurants in town. I was President of my class, my sisters were attending college, and my older brother was training to become an Olympic snowboarder.

2012年4月26日是我家踏上梦想之地——美国——的11周年纪念日。那天，我们全家决定在镇上一家我们最喜欢的餐馆之一庆祝。当时我是班长，我的姐姐们正在上大学，哥哥正在训练成为奥运会单板滑雪运动员。

During that dinner, my mother began to proudly announce that our family had finally achieved the American Dream. She stopped for a moment and continued her toast, “We endured hardships, but in the end we made it out alive.” She was barely thirty seconds in before she paused with teary eyes. Then she began to tell us about our family’s hidden past.

晚餐期间，母亲开始自豪地宣布，我们全家终于实现了美国梦。她停了一会儿，继续敬酒说：“我们历尽艰辛，但最终还是活着走出来了。”她刚说了不到30秒就停了下来，眼含热泪。然后，她开始向我们讲述我们家族不为人知的过去。

It goes back  to 2005. My parents took us on our first and,  unbeknownst to us, last vacation to Korea. We visited venues, shopped, ate,  and  met family member and  old friends. My mother  told us that my father’s  business had  gone bankrupt that year,  and  my parents were  struggling day  by day  to feed  our family of six. My kind mother, who had never worked in the real world, was forced to work as a part-time labor worker, dry cleaning assistant and part-time accountant. This is why her once soft and nurturing hands became dry and swollen. Before her hands could heal, she would stay-up at night to cut out countless coupons to save pennies. I remember, when I was little, asking my father about his occupation. He told me he was the President of a big company. In reality, my father delivered boxes of leftover shirts and shoes out of a factory garage after his business failed. He spent so much time on the roads that his right knee failed to work, and he had to undergo knee replacement surgery. Despite these circumstances, my parents never succumbed to their aching limbs. They never failed to shield us from our financial burden and always encouraged us to chase our dreams.

往事要追溯到2005年。我父母带我们第一次去韩国度假，而我们当时所不知，这也是最后一次。我们参观了很多地方，我们购物、吃饭，还见到了家人和老朋友。母亲告诉我们，那年，我父亲的生意破产了，我的父母挣扎着试图养活我们的六口之家。我善良的母亲从未在现实世界中工作过，却被迫做起了兼职女工、干洗助理和兼职会计。这让她那双曾经柔软而富有养育之恩的手变得又干又肿。在她的手痊愈之前，为了省钱，她会熬夜剪下无数的优惠券。记得小时候，我曾问过父亲他的职业。他告诉我他是一家大公司的总裁。实际上，在父亲的生意失败后，父亲的职业是从工厂的车库里搬出一箱箱剩余的衬衫和鞋子。他长时间奔波在路上，以至于右膝盖无法工作，不得不接受膝关节置换手术。尽管如此，我的父母却从未因四肢酸痛而屈服。他们从未忘记为我们减轻经济负担，并一直鼓励我们追逐梦想。

When I digested the newfound information, I asked my parents why they took us to Korea the same year our father’s business failed. My mother answered, “We did not know when we would have enough money to visit again. We thought it was going to be the only chance for us to show you Korea and ensure it is instilled into you. So we had scrounged up our little remaining money and went.”

当我消化了这些新发现的信息后，我问父母为什么在父亲生意失败的同一年带我们去韩国。母亲回答说：“我们并不知道什么时候才有足够的钱再去韩国了。我们想，这是让你们看看韩国的最后机会，这样韩国文化就会留在你的身上。所以，我们凑齐了了仅剩的一点钱就过去了。”

Since that dinner, my love and appreciation for my parents grow with every bend in my father’s knee, with the wedding ring lying on my mother’s dresser, no longer fitting her swollen hand. This appreciation stimulates my desire to succeed. I have  learned to make  the best  of every  opportunity and  to never  succumb to my failures  such as being  rejected by a club soccer team.  I had  played intramural soccer when I decided to try out for a travel club soccer team  in the sixth grade. Even after being  rejected 3 times, I was not dissuaded.

自从那次晚餐后，我对父母的爱和感激随着父亲膝盖的每一次弯曲而增长，结婚戒指躺在母亲的梳妆台上，不再适合她肿胀的手。这种感激激发了我对成功的渴望。我学会了充分利用每一次机会，绝不屈服于失败，比如被俱乐部的足球队拒绝。六年级时，我曾参加过校内足球赛，后来我决定参加一个旅行俱乐部足球队的选拔。即使被拒绝了三次，我也没有气馁。

My parent’s perseverance echoed in my head, and  I ran after school and  got touches on the ball whenever I could during recess or by playing  in intramural leagues. The fourth time I tried out, I was able to match  the level of the players who had  been playing  selective soccer for the last 4 years. The year I made my club team,  I became a starter, scored the most points in the season, and  led my team  to win the State Final Cup. This work ethic has  stuck with me throughout other  activities and  will continue to be a part of me through college and  the rest of my life. With every  success I have  had  and  plan  to have,  I will never  be able to fully repay my parents back  for what they have  taught me.

我的脑海中回荡着父母的坚持不懈的精神，我在放学后奔跑着，在课间休息时或参加校内联赛时，我不断的寻找着练球的机会。第四次参加选拔赛时，我的水平已经可以和过去四年参加选拔赛的球员相媲美了。进入俱乐部队的那一年，我成为首发球员，在赛季中得分最多，并带领球队赢得了州决赛杯。这种职业道德一直伴随着我参加其他活动，并将继续成为我的大学生活和我的余生。我所取得的，以及我计划取得的每一个成功，都将永远无法完全报答父母对我的教诲。

顾问评析

想要讲述苦难故事，但字里行间都透露出不自知的privilege（对于现在的招生官来说，这是非常雷的点），何况家庭企业破产并没有那么苦难。退一万步说，苦的是妈妈爸爸而不是保护伞下毫不知情的这位同学。

这篇PS的同学用了四百个词去讲很多年后才从妈妈口中听说的家庭变故。文中说妈妈爸爸的苦难激励了申请者，可申请者自己克服的困难仅仅是被足球队拒绝三次而已，说到底只是自己实力不够。

如果我是招生官，我看完这篇文书我会想录取TA妈妈，而不想录取TA。

关于个人成长的部分全部塞在了最后两百字，所以没有什么故事性。一个破产的家庭攒了全部的积蓄去韩国玩，居然还有钱去Shopping？总有种没什么苦难所以在陈述零花钱太少了的感觉，这就是新时代何不食肉糜吗？

我们左思右想最后认为，这位学生这么“烂”的文书能被录取的可能原因，可能因为TA是一位体育竞赛的国家队选手吧（摊手）。

这篇文书是2015年达特茅斯学院的录取文书。虽然多年前的申请形势还没这么“卷”，但我们仍认为想要拥有一篇能够打动招生官的优秀文书，一定要不断地打磨才算完的。