雅思大作文实考7.0范文分析

题目：

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

审题：

“高糖的加工食品和饮料会导致许多健康问题。你是否同意通过提高这些商品的售价来减少人们对含糖食物的摄入？”本题可以说是一道非常“结合时事”的健康类话题了。

作为雅思写作大作文的热点话题之一，健康类问题的大致考察方向可以归为两大类：一是问其成因，二是问其措施。本道题就属于“问其措施”的类型。大家要特别注意的是，在此类题目中，如果不赞同题目所给出的措施，除了要论证其存在的问题之外，能够分析其他措施的可行性是斩获高分的要素之一。

思路：

既然要讨论这种措施的合理性，那么大家可以尝试从不同的层面来分析该项措施的优与弊。例如，从个人到政府，从生活到经济，从生理到心理。再具体一点：对于个人而言，提高售价可以一定程度上减少人们对此类不健康食品的摄入；对于政府来说，也可以将这笔收入投入到其他可以改善公民健康的项目中去，因此可以选择agree。

从生理上来说，很多食物中都含有糖分且有些是必需品，例如主食；从心理上来说，提高物价会让市民对政府产生抱怨和意见，不利于和谐发展，因此disagree。

范文：

Today high levels of sugar are contained in many sources of food, especially in manufactured food. And, of course, eating so much sugar is not good for our health: it can cause just a simple cavy, for example, but also worse problems, like the increasing level of sugar in blood. Some people suggest that sugary products should be more expensive, s0 people would buy less of them.

According to me, I think that this solution is not the best one as sugary products include some types of food that We eat everyday, such as bread or pasta. This foods, particularly the first one, are really important in our diet, so make them more expensive will influence not only our lifestyle, but also some people wouldn't be able anymore to buy the most important food for them. Just think for example to poor people, who can maybe afford a few loads of bread per day: what would they eat if we increased bread price?

I think that the best solution for this problem would be informing people about what they eat, because sometimes we don't even know that. They have already done something to inform people about the characteristics of food, of course, and lebels are one of the most important thing, as they tell you all the ingredients of a particular food. Yet, not many people spend some of their time reading lebels, or, if they do it, they probably don't know the biggest part of the substances named in the list, as well not everybody knows that there is a specific order of the ingredients in the list. So something we could do is organizing some “talks" to inform people not only about the function of lebels, but especially about the big amount of sugar we eat everyday. | think as well that this talks should be organised also in schools, because also children must be aware of what they eat; besides, children can tell what they have learned by these "conferences" at their parents, s0 the whole family would eat better.

To sum it up, I think that it is not necessary to increase the prices of sugary food and that all we need is information, that will lead people to eat less sugary food and, as a consequence, live better with less problems.

(Score: Band 7.0; Words: 386)

考官点评：

This is a good response to the question. It does not agree with the statement and presents a different solution to the problem.

文章对题目做出了很好的回应，表达了自己的观点（不同意），且提出了一个不一样的解决措施。

There are four paragraphs, made up of an introduction, a conclusion and two further paragraphs explaining why the candidate disagrees with the statement and then giving an alternative solution. Ideas are logically organised, with a range of linking devices to make the response easier to read [Yet | as well | I think as well that | as a consequence], but there are some errors [This | these | also].

文章一共有四个段落，一个开头段，一个结尾段，两个主体段分别解释了该考生为什么不同意题目中的观点以及另一个可行的措施。文章中不同观点的组织是具有逻辑性的。考生可以使用一系列的连接词来帮助读者理解文章，虽然也存在一些小错误。

There are 386 words in this response, well over the expected 250 words. In this case, the increased wordcount results in a good range of vocabulary with some flexibility and collocation [informing people about what they eat | aware of what they eat] despite some remaining errors [cavy / cavity | lebels / labels].

本文一共有386个词，超出了考试要求的250个词。在这种情况下，尽管仍有一些小错误，考生有了更多的机会展示自己在词汇的灵活性以及搭配上的能力。

The response uses a variety of structures [what would they eat if we increased bread price?] despite some errors [by these “conferences” / at these “conferences" | less problems / fewer problems].

文章中使用了一系列不同的句子结构，虽然也存在一些小错误。

点评：

从考官点评中，大家不难看出一篇高分作文所需要具备的几点要素：

01、段落布局的清晰：读者可以清楚地掌握每一段的主要内容，理清整篇文章的脉络。

02、段内信息的串联：句与句之间的逻辑关系也很重要，保证论证中不会出现逻辑不清，想到什么写什么的混乱状况。

03、词汇和句型的灵活性：雅思写作归根结底还是在考察语言水平，比起用高级词汇和句型堆砌，灵活性同样也是语言水平高的一种表现，而且更加容易做到。

04、控制自己的语言错误：考官当然理解每篇作文都是由母语为非英语的考生在限时情况下临场完成的作文，因此出现小错误是非常正常的一件事情。但是大家仍然要注意控制错误的频率和严重性。