大家很关注的·作文诊断又来了!每次出分肯定都是几家欢喜几家愁。在为高分同学的欣喜的同时，老师也一直关注那些提分不理想的同学。很多同学对评分标准不是很清晰，不知道自己写作能得多少分，就可以根据老师分的这些出分同学的考场作文 对比一下自己的作文，估量自己的写作水平。
今天分享是·4月12日托福的考场22分作文。这位同学的作文是很典型的22分作文，具体有哪些问题，大家一起来看一下。
👇
这位同学的考场作文回忆
👇
Echoing Claire’s perspective, I firmly believe that math holds more appeals.
The primary reason is that math is instrument in scientific development that attracts the attention of many companies. Through math learning, students can acquire basic knowledge, setting stage for professional skills such as precise calculation and financial outcome model. These skills can help them get better employment and higher pay in their future career due to more related job opportunities both in big financial companies and in start-up tech companies.
As for Andrew's point, we cannot deny biology is beneficial for our physical health, but is pales in comparison with the benefits of good employment and high salary.
Therefore, it is advisable for high school students to put priority on math and devote enough time and energy into math learning.
一. 总体评价：这篇文章的主要问题是内容展开逻辑跳跃，展开支撑不足。 所以即使写了2个中间段，文章字数也只有131字，偏少。虽然语言上有几个明显的搭配错误，因为逻辑问题导致有些句子表意不清晰， 但是基本上语言还是比较流畅的，恰当使用了一些句型。有高分的潜力。
二.内容展开:
✅ 总观点：
作者支持 Claire 的观点，认为数学是最重要的高中学科。
✅ 分论点逻辑链：
数学在科学发展中发挥作用，吸引公司关注。数学技能如精确计算和财务建模有助于获得高薪工作。
相较之下，生物学虽然有益健康，但不如就业和收入重要。
因此，建议高中生优先学习数学。
总体结构合理，但存在以下逻辑跳跃与论证不充分的问题。
（1）逻辑跳跃/不连贯分析：
【原句】“Through math learning, students can acquire basic knowledge, setting stage for professional skills such as precise calculation and financial outcome model.”
【问题】“基础知识”-->“精确计算、财务模型”之间缺乏过渡，逻辑跳跃，考官难以理解两者之间的演变过程。
【修改】“By learning math, students build foundational skillssuch as logical reasoning and numerical analysis,which are essential for developing advanced abilitieslike precise calculation and financial modeling.”
【原句】“These skills can help them get better employment and higher pay in their future career due to more related job opportunities both in big financial companies and in start-up tech companies.”
【问题】 “技能 → 就业机会 → 高薪”的推理关系不够展开，缺乏具体例子或现实联系。未解释为何这两类公司特别需要数学技能。
【修改】“With these skills, students are better prepared for jobs in industries like finance and technology,where employers highly value analytical thinking and mathematical ability.This often leads to more job options and higher starting salaries.”
或者："Theseanalytical abilitiesdirectly meet the demands of financial institutionsmanaging complex transactionsand tech startupsdeveloping intelligent systems."
【原句】“As for Andrew’s point, we cannot deny biology is beneficial for our physical health, but is pales in comparison with the benefits of good employment and high salary.”
【问题】 “身体健康”与“高薪就业”被放在一个对比框架里，有失公平，逻辑维度不同。容易给人以“生命重要性不如金钱”的错觉。
【修改】“While biology helps students understand how to maintain their health, mathoffers more practical benefitsin today’s job market,which many students prioritize when planning their future.”
(2). 观点支持不足分析：
【原句】"biology is beneficial for our physical health"
【问题】未提供具体健康效益的实例支撑
【修改】"While biology helps understand nutrition basics like calorie intake..."
Eva👩🏻🏫:
所以这篇文章最核心的展开内容，几乎都出现了逻辑跳跃，展开不足的问题。这都导致分数处于评分标准中的3分档/20~25分这一档. ：
二. 语言表达：优点： 表达清晰，句子大多数结构完整。
有一定程度的句型变化（如原因状语从句、非谓语结构等）。
词汇基本准确，传达意思明确。
缺点：
存在多处搭配不当和用词不自然的问题。
个别句子语义模糊。
缺少地道表达和高阶词汇的自然使用。
语言得分：3.5 分档
1. 【原句】Echoing Claire’s perspective, I firmly believe that mathholds more appeals.
【问题】
- “holds more appeals”搭配不当，“appeal” 是不可数名词（表示吸引力）时不能用复数形式。
【修改】Echoing Claire’s perspective, I firmly believe that math is more appealing.
（或更地道的表达：I firmly believe that math is a more appealing subject.）
2. 【原句】The primary reason is that mathis instrument inscientific developmentthatattracts the attention of many companies.
【问题】
- "is instrument in" 搭配错误，应该是 is instrumental in/ play an instrumental role in..
- 句子结构不清晰：修饰语“that attracts the attention…” 应该指向“math”，但被放在“instrument”后面。
- “instrument in scientific development” 生硬，略显直译。
【修改】The primary reason is that math is an essential tool in scientific development and attracts the attention of many companies.
3. 【原句】 Throughmath learning, students can acquire basic knowledge,setting stagefor professional skills such as precise calculation andfinancial outcome model.
【问题】
- “math learning” 不自然，建议改为 “learning math”。
- “setting stage” 缺冠词，应为 “setting the stage”。
- “financial outcome model” 表达模糊，意义不明（可能是 financial modeling 或 financial analysis）。
【修改】Through learning math, students can acquire basic knowledge,setting the stage for professional skills such as precise calculation and financial modeling.
4. 【原句】 These skills can help themget better employmentand higher pay in their future careerdue to more related job opportunitiesboth in big financial companies and in start-up tech companies.
【问题】
- “get better employment” 不够地道，建议替换为 “secure better jobs”。
- “due to more related job opportunities” 冗余，“better employment and higher pay” 已经包含了“job opportunities”的含义。 且语义模糊： “related” 到底是 related to what? 是 skills, math, or companies? “more” 没有具体对比对象，让读者不清楚是“比 biology 多”，还是“比以前多”？
- “big financial companies and in start-up tech companies” 平行结构需要简化或调整。
【修改】 These skills increase students’ chances of landing well-paid jobs in industries like finance and technology, where math-based abilities are in high demand.
5. 【原句】As for Andrew’s point, we cannot denybiology is beneficial for our physical health, butis palesin comparison with the benefits of good employment and high salary.
【问题】
- “biology is beneficial for our physical health” 结构合理但略显重复。
- “but is pales” 中，“is” 多余，应为 “but it pales”。
- “benefits of good employment and high salary” 可以更自然地表达为 “the advantages of better career prospects and income”。
【修改】As for Andrew’s point, we cannot deny that biology is beneficial to our health, but it pales in comparison with the advantages of better career prospects and higher income.
6. 【原句】 Therefore, it is advisable for high school students toput priority onmath and devote enough time and energyinto math learning.
【问题】
- “put priority on” 更常见表达为 “place a priority on” 或 “give priority to”。
- “into math learning” 同样不自然，建议改为 “to learning math”。
【修改】Therefore, it is advisable for high school students to place a priority on math and devote sufficient time and energy to learning it.
Eva说:
虽然托福是一门语言考试，对作文内容的逻辑严密性没有GRE那么严格。但是基本的逻辑跳跃和展开不足，依然是内容方面的扣分重点。
所以，同学们在展开写作的时候，
强化论点展开：在提出每一个观点时，多想一下why 为什么能这样 和so what? 这样会导致怎样的结果？ 把逻辑理顺。
例子具体化：不要用“many companies”这种泛泛表达，改成“tech firms like software developers”或者“finance-related jobs”。
这些内容在写作团里day6, day8和day9都具体讲解过。
其次，在运用语料和句型的时候，要精准，避免因为记忆错误导致的不必要扣分。
如果自己作文也想得到这样精细的批改，可以参加我们的写作团。
【竞赛报名/项目咨询+微信：mollywei007】
